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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 4466629" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong> Wife Jokes</strong></p><p></p><p>April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."</p><p></p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.</p><p></p><p>Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.</p><p></p><p>Rodney Dangerfield</p><p></p><p>A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.</p><p></p><p>Milton Berle</p><p></p><p>I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.</p><p></p><p>George Burns</p><p></p><p>I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburator."</p><p>I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."</p><p></p><p>Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.</p><p></p><p>Phyllis Diller</p><p></p><p>The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.</p><p></p><p>Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."</p><p></p><p>The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.</p><p>You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"</p><p>The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?</p><p>Dad: That happens in every country, son.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."</p><p>The next day he received a hundred letters.</p><p>They all said the same : "You can have mine."</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."</p><p>"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.</p><p>"A billionaire." she replied,</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"</p><p>His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.</p><p>Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"</p><p>"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,</p><p>I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.</p><p>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,</p><p>"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.</p><p>They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"</p><p>Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.</p><p>=====</p><p></p><p>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 4466629, member: 14320"] [B] Wife Jokes[/B] April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you." ===== My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. George Burns I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburator." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." ===== When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ===== I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. ===== My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. ===== A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did. ===== Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that. ===== Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ===== A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." ===== Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. ===== Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. ===== A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine." ===== A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied, ===== The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. ===== A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?" ===== Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ===== Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ===== If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ===== I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ===== It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ===== Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. ===== A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..." ===== Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ===== I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. ===== A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ===== A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." ===== Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelery. ===== Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute ===== First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive. ===== The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. [/QUOTE]
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