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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 4511253" data-attributes="member: 14320">Feminine Hygiene ProductsLanguishing in bed last week with a bad cold, I spent fourdays in the company of Oprah and Maury Povitch and GeneralHospital.I was astonished to discover that most daytime TV commercialshave one clear message: Women leak, dribble, and smell.They're overweight and they're constipated. Women havedandruff, split ends, bad breath, and bad breasts; both theunder and over endowed require special bras.Apparently women must buff, douche, diet, gargle, and primpconstantly if they want to overcome their basic vileness.Then I thought, maybe men get the same messages when theywatch their programs. Maybe advertising during sporting eventsis geared toward products that men need to make them sociallyacceptable.So I turned on a golf tournament and spent an hour and 12minutes watching the commercials.Evidently men are fine just the way they are. They have asmall problem with weight gain and graying hair, but mainlythey are handsome, playful, and successful.They get to go fishing with their buddies, using leaves fortoilet paper. They could probably come home from their tripand hop right into the sack for a romantic encounter and thinkthey were just fine. No rushing off to shower or spray here.Around this time, I needed to get some cough syrup. The firstthing I noticed when I got to the drugstore was a huge sign,"Fem. Hygiene, "hanging above an aisle filled with thousandsof products designed for women's special needs.There were a variety of pads in a multitude of shapes forheavy periods, light periods, and bladder control, as wellas for women who want to feel fresh all day. There wereyeast infection medications, vaginal deodorants, vaginallubricants, douches, personal towelettes, pregnancy tests,and germicides to do away with feminine odor. There werelaxatives, hemorrhoid creams, and gas-relief tablets.I looked all over, but there was no aisle for "Male Hygiene."Now, I've been around enough men to know that some of themcould use piddle pads and penis towelettes and deodorants,products for crabs and crotch rot and athlete's foot andgas, so I couldn't understand why the drugstore didn't atleast label the aisle "Fem./Male Hygiene."The closest I came to anything specifically targeted to menwas a large display of condoms next to a shelf of K-Y jelly.The packages for feminine products usually featured a womanin a gauzy dress running through a meadow full of springflowers (daisies were very popular) as her sparkling cleanhair billowed behind her.I found myself attracted to a vaginal moisturizer that hada picture of a peaceful little water lily floating on a pond."Do you know how to use this?" the male pharmacist askedin what I thought was a particularly loud tone."Of course," I replied, certain that everyone in line wasstaring at me.As it turned out, I couldn't even figure out how to open it.It was one seamless plastic entity. I tried twisting it. Itried cutting it with garden shears. I gnawed at it with myteeth and finally threw it in the trash.I was so angry that I called the manufacturer's toll freehot line, which I'd seen advertised on TV, and complainedto the customer service representative.She told me I was trying to open the wrong end and that allI had to do was twist off a piece of plastic at the bottom.Now that would be a peculiar job, I thought, to spend yourdays answering questions about vaginal moisturizers.I wondered if men have an 800 number they can call to getinformation on crotch rot. I imagined a TV commercial areally clean guy fishing in a meadow stream, surrounded bydaisies, with a deep voice intoning: "This cream is madeespecially for men's tender tissues. Call 1-800-JOCKROTfor sensitive answers to your intimate questions about malehygiene."Then I pictured the forlorn Jockrot representative, waitinglike a Maytag repairman for the telephone to ring.It never does!</blockquote>

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