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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 3002889" data-attributes="member: 14320">July 1I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up. July 2I`m trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don`t know if I`m coming or going. July 3Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. July 4I don`t get no respect. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it. July 5I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down." July 6I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel. July 7I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn`t a real professional job. There was butter on it. July 8I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh." July 9I tell ya, I`m not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I`ll show ya where it`s at." She said, "You`d better, `cause the last time I couldn`t find it." July 10Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back! July 11I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn`t eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power." July 12I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it. July 13I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. July 14I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance. July 15Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United. July 16I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes. July 17I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out. July 18I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!" July 19I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies. July 20I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! July 21It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. July 22When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide." July 23I tellin ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. July 24Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater. July 25I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities. July 26With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in. July 27With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh. July 28With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat. July 29With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams.July 30Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!July 31And I was an ugly kid. Everytime my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.</blockquote>

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