JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Queen

The queen is visiting one of Australia’s top hospitals and during the tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. 'Oh God,' said the queen. ‘That’s disgraceful' what is the meaning of this???

The doctor leading the tour explains ‘I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day they'll explode and he’ll die instantly. ‘Oh I’m so sorry' said the queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob 'Oh my God ' said the queen, 'what’s happening there??

The doctor replied, “Same problem, Better health cover”

=====

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.'

 

[melody]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

=====

Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were sitting in a bar late one night.

They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes *and* the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied,

"Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

 

[melody]

Senior Prom

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

=====

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

 

[melody]

On The Sea

Twas on the good ship Venus,
Lord, you should have seen us.
Our figurehead
Was a whore in bed
and the mast was a rampant penis.

The Captain of our lugger
Was a filthy bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another

The First Mate's name was Morgan
By God he was a gorgon
Five time a day
He'd kneel and play
The Captain's sekshal organ

The Second Mate was Andy.
He was young and randy.
They boiled his bum
In steaming rum
For cumming in the brandy

The Bos'n's name was Walker
He was a bleeding corker.
The dirty sod
Had been at quad
For dalliance with a porker

The cabin boy was Tripper
He was a deadly nipper
He stuffed his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper

The Captain's wife, named Mabel,
To fuck was never able.
So the dirty shits
Nailed her tits

The Captain had a daughter
Who fell into the water.
Her squeals revealed
A school of eels
Had found her sekshal quarter

When we reached out station
We found to our elation
The ship had sunk
In a sea of spunk
From mutual masturbation.

 

[melody]

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~""Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
~~""I'm poor."

"I need you."
~~""My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
~~""I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
~~""I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~""You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
~~""So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it."
~~""3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute."
~~""I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her."
~~""She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much."
~~""I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?"
~~""I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~""Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~""Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~""I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
~~""I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
~~""Get tested."

""I'll give you a call."
~~""I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
~~""You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
~~""You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you."
~~""Next!!!!"

"I'm on a long ~~"distance call, can you call me later?"
~~"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

 

[melody]

Inventions By Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck

 

[melody]

Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

=====

There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.

 

[melody]

Married Life

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a
guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was
treating him.

The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life.
Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm
not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you
get off at the same time."

The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution
to that. the next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab
in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."

Even though it was against his better judgement, the married man
promised to try it, and the two parted their ways. About 3 months
later, by chance they met up again, and of course the guy is eager
to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better
on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!!
I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off,
so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face, and almost
bit my dick off!"

=====

There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."

=====

There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"

 

[melody]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

 

[melody]

Creation:

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' .."

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and
firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his
desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes,
as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless
you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two
dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole fucking thing.

 

[melody]

Death

Phone call between emergency room doctor and worried husband:

"Sir, I have bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife was in a serious car accident. Her face was peeled off, she lost all use of both arms and
both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

"Oh my God. What's the good news?"

"I'm kidding. She's dead.
=====

This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!"
"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"

 

[melody]

Naming The Father Of Your Baby

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was Fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[melody]

Confession

A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've had an
affair with another woman."

"I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant you
absolution until you tell me who she is."

"Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name is
Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout."

The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle
and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally
asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?"

The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think
that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows."

=====

Why can't women ski?
Because there isn't a ski slope between the kitchen and the bed room

Why can't women cross the road?
Who cares they shouldn't be out of the damn kitchen!

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

"Never turn your back on anything that can bleed for five days and
live."

They say that love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the
answer, sex raises some pretty good questions

The perfect t-shirt to get their attention: "Let go of my ears, I know
what I'm doing!"

Sexist dictionary: WIFE -- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
house work done!

And remember guys: while sex using a condom may be like taking a shower
in a raincoat, sex without a condom is like taking a bath with the
toaster.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.

 

[melody]

THE WORD FUCK
(One Of My Fucking Favorites...)

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck"..

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings: How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble: I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression: Fuck you!
6. Disgust: Fuck me.
7. Confusion: What the fuck.......?
8. Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair: Fucked again...
10. Pleasure: I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we.
13. Disbelief: Unfuckingbeliveable!
14. Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial: I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity: I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy: Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
18. Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
19. Panic: Let's get the fuck out of here.
20. Directions: Fuck off.
21. Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that?

It can be used in an anatomical description- He's a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business- How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal- Motherfucker.
It can be political- Fuck George Bush!

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

Where did all these fucking Indians come from?
-General Custer

Where the fuck is all this water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a real fucking gun.
-John Len

Who's gonna fucking find out?
-Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fucking roll.
-Anne Boleyn

Let the fucking woman drive.
-Commander of Space Shuttle

What fucking map?
-Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

It does so fucking look like her!
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

-You want what on the fucking ceiling?
Michaelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Why?- Because its fucking there!
-Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?
-Joan of Arc

Scattered fucking showers my ass.
-Noah

 

[melody]

The Extraordinary Wisdom Of Confucius
(Part One)

!Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk.
! Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
! Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.
! Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
! Sex on beach is like American beer - fucking near water.
! Man like baby - want to suck tit all day.
! Naked man fears no pick pocket.
! Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
! Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
! He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet.
! Even the greatest of whales is helpless in the desert.
! The hand that turneth the knob opens the door.
! Schoolboy OK to masturbate as long as it's not against Principal.
! Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed.
! He who eats too many jelly beans, farts in living colour!!
! Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
! Hockey player on ice have big stick.
! Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
! Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
! Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble before they shoot.
! It take square ass to shit brick.
! Woman who dance while wearing a jock strap have make believe ballroom.
! He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
! Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
! A girls best asset is her lie ability.
! Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.
! He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.
! Wash your face in morning neck at night.
! Man who kiss girl's behind get crack in face.
! Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
! Woman who fly air plane up-side down, have big crack up!
! Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.
! He who refuses to listen is lying.
! When lady says no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady
! Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
! He who sniffs coke drowns.
! Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
! Man who piss into wind get wet.
! Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
! Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
! Man who eat pussy do lip service.

 

[melody]

Happy Hour

It was happy hour in the bar, and the air hung heavy in thick blue folds
as the regular bunch lit up some "happy weed." Suddenly, a loud voice
boomed from the entrance and demanded that they open the door in the
name of legality. The smokers frantically gathered their still-smoking
weeds and stuffed them inside the cuckoo clock. The police entered,
searched diligently, found nothing and left. The group breathed a sigh
of relief, and made for the cuckoo clock to retrieve their stash. Just
then, the clock's hands announced 6 pm. The little door popped open, the
bird poked his head out and said, "Heyyyy duuuudes! What fu*king time is
it?"

=====

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."

 

[melody]

Think You Know Everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand ..now you know everything.

 

[melody]

MOTHER NASTY--ADVICE FOR TRUE QUEERS..

Wise in Her Ways, Caring in Her Comfort, Holy in Her Vengeance...
Mother Nasty is Here!!

Dear Mother Nasty,
I am a teenage girl who is grossly overweight and believe I am gay. There is a really nice girl in my gym class who really turns me on. How can I tell if she is interested in me even though I am very fat?

Dear Goddess of the Flesh,
One thing I have to say is: Fat is where it's at. Do you want to have sex with a fucking bony-assed beanpole or a soft, wet pillowy mound of hot, lusty pleasure? Honey, you are a volcano of pure sex. I remember high school, I was ready to hump anything that twitched in my general direction. Unless you have genital warts, (I don't recommend them) you will have a slippery clit under your greedy, little tongue faster then you can say, "dental dams and dildos".
I suggest that you check out Fat Girl, a wonderful spot for the true sex symbols of the dyke world.
Love, Mother Nasty

____________________________

Dear Mother Nasty,
My best friend at my High School listens to Liberace all the time. I heard a rumor that Liberace was gay. Does that mean that my best friend could be gay? I'm not, I just want to find out if he is so I will know if he is checking me out or what!
-- Very Concerned in Kansas

Hey Dorothy,
Tap your shoes 'cuz here's some news. YOU are the fag. Sounds like you're spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not he'll fuck you up the ass. Is this your jackoff dream? Why don't you just ask him, you dumb fuck? Or are you too afraid your wet dreams will come true? Better yet, put him in touch with me, and I'll let you know if you're worthy of his time.

____________________________

Dear Mother Nasty,
Your opinions are the best. You are a truly wonderful gem, and a source of PRIDE for TRUE Queers everywhere. We need more honest people like yourself on our side.....
-- Jeff

Dear Jeff,
What a dear, sweet fag!! I could just gobble you up...
Love, Mother Nasty
____________________________

Dear Mother Nasty,
My favorite thing to do is to take my boyfriends penus and lick it.
Then I take a needle and put tabasco sauce into it.
I inject the sauce into his erect cock and beat it.
Then when I suck, the come mixes with the sauce to create a wonderful flavor.

Dear Wanna-suck-but-are-too-chicken-shit-to-actually-do-it Tabasco Boy,
You fucking breeder!!!!! No self-respecting fag would misspell "penis" or "cum". No true cock sucker would say "erect" when they can say "hard" or "throbbing" or some other raunchy fuck-word. And obviously you're speaking from your imagination rather than experience if you have so much time to cruise around queer sites and pretend to be cute.
Thanks for your suggestion. However, for those readers who aren't into ramming needles in their cocks to inject corrosive spices, I have another tip. I've been told (by a breeder actually) that if you eat a lot of pineapple for a day or two, cum becomes sweet. This is great for those cocksucking couples who might have ulcers and can't eat spicy foods.
Bon Appetit!
________________________

Dear Mother Nasty,
My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'd like to watch her have sex with a man. This really repulses me, and makes me wonder if she's really a lesbian, but I love her. What should I tell her?
-- Pure at Heart in Boise

Hey Spud Girl,
First of all, honey child, YOU repulse Me, you separatist Nazi Bitch. The only thing you should tell her is goodbye, 'cause she's way too good for you. If she's bi, then she should be able to explore that without you getting your repressed ass in the way. Sex is Sex and Sex is Fun.

 

[melody]

Classic Little Johnny
Back By Popular Demand


Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the
older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he
took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead
of explaining things to Little Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Little Johnny described everything
to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured
Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart
as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have
been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got
worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward
the end of the couch.

This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told
him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one
hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really
scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one
she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while
he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to
keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she
could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.

I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because
it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on
it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush
it down the toilet.

 

[melody]

Fake Orgasms

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of
men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been
all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go
wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be
patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like
to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as
though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine
she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was
faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or
sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job
at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the
song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random
and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you
were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she
isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished,
it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the
excitement.