JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Prostate Test

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his
next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse

=====

In marriage there's often a glitch,
When you find out you married a bitch,
She once was quite nice,
All sugar and spice,
Now she's an evil old witch

=====

Jack was nimble,but Jack was quick.
So Jill preferred the candlestick!

 

[melody]

Unwinding

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not
yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My
little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed
and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on
the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a
concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets
up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and
afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls
flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his
wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

=====

Mummy, Mummy what's a vampire?
Shut up son and eat your soup before it clots!

Mummy, Mummy the kids at school call me werewolf!
Shut up son and go and brush your face!

What's grosser than two vampires fighting over a used tampon?
One of them winning.

 

[melody]

Norman's Blonde Wife

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows
can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..." just then the power goes out, and Norman's wife
is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Oh god,
I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you
just leave it in the garage this time?"

=====

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asked the barman.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I wanted to brew my own!"

 

[melody]

Garden Of Eden

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.

"She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

=====

A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes to see a gynecologist.

After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells her: "Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a virgin.

I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually.... by the way, what did you say your name was?"

"My name is Snow White", replies the girl.

 

[melody]

Pesticides

A farmer walked into a drug store and said
To the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them
Thar condoms with pesticides on it.
Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean
That you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE,
Not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE
On it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from
Explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects,
SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that
You mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms
With PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up
Her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

=====

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a

substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck

of the bottle."

 

[melody]

Pebbles Flintstone

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were
both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
and Fred says "Th-that's.. .um... that's daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh.. that.. that's mommy's rock
grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his
rock
into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

=====

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.
Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

 

[magnify]

How are a hippie and a Kotex alike?



They are both uptight, outta sight and in the groove.

============================================

A young blonde woman visits her gynecologist who tells her she is pregnant. She says to him: "are you sure it's mine?".

 

[melody]

Bob's Place

The guys had been worried about Bob ever since his wife
dumped him and cleaned him out in the divorce.

They decided that somebody should go visit him at home to see
how he was doing.

Floyd gets the job and goes to Bob's place one day after work.
Bob seems to be ok but Floyd checks his place out to see if
anything is out of the ordinary, just in case.

The place looks fine except for one thing, a tampon on top of
Bob's TV. Floyd tries to ignore it but curiosity finally gets
the best of him.

"Hey, Bob, what's with the tampon on the television?"

"Oh, that's just to remind me that the cunt took the VCR."

=====

Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out
he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake.

The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to
ask what he should do for his friend.

The doctor replies, "make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out
and then take him to the hospital for further treatment".

The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and
the other hunter replied "you're gonna die".

 

[melody]

South Bronx

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York.

Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.

The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....

"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

=====

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis.

All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

l would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

 

[melody]

The Joy Of Having A Dick

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;

It's like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes
and stretches out;
When you expect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.

And during the summer,
Wearing little, sunning on the beach
The slightest sight of shaking boobs
And to cover up you'll have to reach

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
There's no way that they can pee

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.

Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.

It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.

But I think the thing that's marvelous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so to summarize
I'd say with certainty
That every male loves
his little friend.

But girls, no matter what we do,
Please don't fold,
spindle mutilate
And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

=====

I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.

 

[melody]

Vegetarian Or Vegan

A friend of mine spreads some light on the Vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or Vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine ****** one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your Vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a Vegan.

=====

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.

 

[melody]

Exclusive Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
____________

There were two doctors talking and one said, "I had a patient today
with a dick like a dill pickle."
The other doctor said, "It was that green?"
The first doctor said, "No, that sour."

 

[melody]

Rubber Ducky

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysitter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysitter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysitter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"
The guy said "Um, it's a rubber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."
Then the babysitter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."
So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

=====

An Blonde enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

 

[melody]

An Ode To Oral Sex
( For The Boys )

FOR THE BOYS

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

 

[melody]

Fatta Fuck


An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you a such a fat a boy?"

Tony says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's spaghetti! I can't a stop a eating it."

Poppa says, "You should a take a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you a such a fat a boy?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's a Mama's lasagna. I can't a stop a eating it, it's a so good."

Poppa says, "You should a also take a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you a stay so slim a and a trim a?"

Fredo says, "It's a so easy, Poppa. I eat a lots and lots of a pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's a taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should a take a smaller bites!"

=====

Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"

 

[melody]

An Ode To Oral Sex
( For The Girls )

FOR THE GIRLS

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

 

[melody]

12-Step Internet Recovery Program

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and
plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.

7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the
Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if
it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

=====

A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm.

In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw hat."

 

[melody]

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

=====

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

 

[melody]

Taking A Dump

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't, you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump:
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump:
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump: (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump:
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump:
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump:
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump:
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump:
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump:
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump:
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump:
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump:
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.