Jokes ... Any JOKES ...

[eyong]

I'll start with one ....

Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ...
Apek: Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?
Ali: Manyak bagut. Bila lu potong haa lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...
Apek: ?!! err ... saya kawan ada cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..
Ali: Apa probrem ?
Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aahh ... dia punya performance tatak bagut...
manyak cinang semputloh ..
Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa celita... saya suda lama potong.
tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...
Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?
Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap maen woo..
lu lagi lambat pancut..
Apek: ???!!! err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??
Ali: ??!! woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha .. saya punya 6 inci laa..
Apek: ??! Tiu nia ma... lu jgn maen2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..
Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers)
Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lu punya lanchiau..
Ali: Abis... lu tarak percaya..saya tunjuk la..
Apek: Saya tatak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau...
Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka..
molo punya olang..
Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja..
Bukan potong zaka la..... proton saga........

 

[melody]

that's hilarious..
communication breakdown..

 

[cYBorG]

hahahahaha... so funny... miss communication!!

 

[eyong]

A Golf Game with the Wife.

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly

around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What

happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf

with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our

balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them. While

I was looking around; I noticed one of the cows had

something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its

tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my

wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the

cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my

wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'


I don't remember much after that."

 

[sh@rty 5]

er..sorry , but i thought there is a section bout jokes at the Interesting Download thread?

 

[sh@rty 5]

honestly i laugh like hell after reading the second post.. its blady funny...good one

 

[eyong]

Pack of 6's or Pack of 12's ...?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March........"

 

[EcstacyElmo]

wtf ahahaha...
nice one...

 

[eyong]

Keep it Wet ...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago

and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

 

[eyong]

Thinking Out Of The Box

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

'Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love
Dad'


A few days later, he received a letter from his son:

'Dear Dad,
For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love
Son'

At 4:00am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son:

'Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love
Son'



Moral of the story: If you can't do it on your own... get HELP!!!!

Put your imagination in use and see that HELP comes thru your creativeness.

THINK OUT OF THE BOX... !!

 

[eyong]

Tax Returns

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office
sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save
them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then
they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What
about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that
the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the
manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard
about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on,

"What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the
Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Malaysian Tax
Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."

 

[miqveh]

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

 

[mingz]

SPM Levels
Hokkien Exam Paper


Instructions:

1. Read the passage carefully

2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage after reading.

3. Not that difficult, chin chai do lah!



Section A: Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)


Question:
Singalella why become rich ?



Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella.

She got two sisters, but the stepmarder and the sisters all damn kuai-lan, so she quite zhia-lat oso.

Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah.

Everyday must cook lah, clean lah, simi sai mah bao-kah-liao.

If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she liak.

Tak jit zho kah tau-hin.

EPF poon boh.

But then, kay piak eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party.

So he say, 'oeh, long chong lai ah.'

Singalella very happy because she never go party before but then her step-marder say, 'Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one balu lu eh sisters wu standard.'

Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and stepmarder.

Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai.

That night she only can wave bye-bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggi mee.

Her neighbour came over and ask, 'Eh, an-zhua lu boh kee party?'

So Singalella kong, 'Wa ai, tub bit wa lau-bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian.'

She never expect but the neighbour say, 'Aiyah, kee lah, I give you money.'

So singalella brush teef and zhang-zhui, cheng-kor, after that look very different.

She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already 11 o'clock.

At the party, Ah Ming also quite sien because the char bor all boh sui one.

Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing.

Just as Ah Ming told himself, 'Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat', Singalella came in.

Ah Ming straight away lau nuar.

'Wah-lau eh, si-beh heng ah, chee kor buay pai.'

Ah Ming say to Singalella, 'eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee zho flen!'

Singalella say ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here touch there.

But then just it was 12 o'clock, one ah pek die on the dance floor.

He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number.

So after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak ban.

So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho seng-lee.

Simi kuan eh seng-lee, wah mana eh zhai.



Section B: Grades - Gauge Your command of Hokkien....

A1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly.

Hokkien eh sai, bo beh zao.


A2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly.

Zhia lat


E8. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball.

Leow leow, mai ka lang kong you is Hokkien lang


F9. Don't understand rating.

Kee si lah, wah mana eh zhai lee kong simi?

 

[eyong]

Malaysian Drivers



1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: IPOH driver.

2. One hand on wheel, one hand out the window with
cigarette: KEPONG driver..

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic: DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang, foot solidly on
accelerator: JOHOR driver.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, hands-free on the
lap: BANGSAR driver.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA .

7. One hand on 12 oz.. double shot latte, one knee on wheel,
talking on cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....on the
Federal Highway !!!

8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers head rest,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on
brake, throwing rambutans or durian shells out the window:
KARAK HIGHWAY ; KUANTAN driver.

9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL attitude,
rear window stickers read "Make my day", beer cans on floor, wedding
ribbon still attached to antenna: CONSTRUCTION SITE....PUCHONG driver!

10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose, One
leg on the dash board, another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can
in the middle ~~ turning anywhere he likes, parking anywhere he likes, in
fact, driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh..... this is a heaven for
drivers..... . welcome to PENANG !

11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes glued on
the windscreen, alternately stepping on the accelerator and brakes every 5
seconds.WOMAN DRIVER!

 

[ham_m2]

haha...the number 11 shows the truth of women driver...

 

[eyong]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.



Dear Mrs. Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[deacon]

Malaysia

 

[eyong]

Malaysia

Hahahaha ..... Right in the Heart

 

[deacon]

I couldn't resist

 

[eyong]

NO DIET .....



Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.