JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Another Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered with Mrs. Santa Claus!

 

[melody]

Weekly Friday Show

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from my office:

We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.

 

[melody]

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions For Him & Her [Him (Y) / Her (X)]

X - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or
Superbowl weekend)

X - ONLY - one chocolate bar per week
Y - ONLY - three nights at topless bar per week

X - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom
TV remote

X - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list

X - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X - Get organized/clean house
Y - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X - Buy new Daily Planner
Y - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

X - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

X - Read More / Less TV
Y - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

X - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Y - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

X - Plan budget / Save more money
Y - Only three nights at topless bar per week

 

[melody]

New Years Resolutions For Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

============

New Year Resolutions For Nerds

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from Alt. binaries*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

 

[melody]

Redneck New Year’s Resolutions

1. Stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by;
2. Give thanks that your Momma had “ammo” on her Christmas list;
3. Play with your Christmas stocking full of ammo;
4. Give thanks for your favorite Christmas present - a painting on black velvet;
5. Sign the neighbor’s petition over your Christmas lights;
6. Kiss your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s eve party;
7. Siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck;
8. Icing - what you do to your front steps before your mother-in-law comes over;
9. Drink gas because you can run two and a half miles per hour faster;
10. Try to drown a fish;
11. Buy your jewelry at the hardware store;
12. Drink Labatt 50;
13. Knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom;
14. Go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home;
15. Yell to your Momma, “Hey, Aunt Betty!”;
16. Create a hairstyle called “The Hat Line”;
17. Have another can of your favorite meal – Spam;
18. Barbecue Spam on the grill;
19. Drive your pickup truck which has a bigger turning radius than your house;
20. Send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk;
21. Appreciate your wife howling at the moon more than your huntin’ dogs;
22. Wear the same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations - and they’re only twenty years old;
23. Go swimmin’ in the drainage ditch behind your house;
24. Cuss and refer to your wife, Mamma, aunt, and sister with one word;
25. Have your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner;
26. Be thankful that you have more pet names for your huntin’ dog than for your girlfriend;
27. Mistake the offering plate for a spit can;
28. Go to church to pick up women;
29. Bring your dog with you to church;
30. Give thanks that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar;

 

[melody]

Education Class

The children were having the sex education class when the teacher asked, "Who can tell me what breasts are?"
"My mummy has breasts," replied little Sarah, "She has two of them."
"Very good Sarah." said the teacher, "Now who can tell me what a penis is?"
"I know!" little Johnny shouted out, "My daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?" asked the teacher, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," replied Johnny, "One of them is wrinkly and about the same size as mine and the other is about seven inches long and he uses it to brush mummy's teeth with!"
=====

How many blondes does it take to turn a computer on?
Just one. She masturbates in front of it!

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
Because she had just blow dried her hair!

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out of her pussy!

 

[melody]

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"

 

[melody]

New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Watch less T.V. in standard definition

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Watch more movie remakes.

Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

Procrastinate more.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.

Drink. Drink some more.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials

Start being superstitious.

Spend more time at work.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
__________

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

 

[melody]

New Years Miscellaneous

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Tattoo Parlor
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist say that's an unusual request.
"Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and new years."


New Years Eve Short Jokes

Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!


New Years Eve One Liners

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2013 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2013 like it was yesterday

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2014.

Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

There have been many times in 2013, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2014!

 

[melody]

Men & Women Bashing...
One Liners
Women:

I've been in love with the same woman for many
years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she
bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a
week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!"
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her
mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent
our wedding night.
Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a
waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She
hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in!"

While driving the car on a cross country trip I
decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat...
I left my wife at a rest stop...
OK I'M ON A ROLL!!!!


Men:

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left
are handicapped.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other
is a fish.

What do you have when you have two balls in your
hands?
A man's undivided attention.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their
own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many
inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show
off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got
nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

 

[melody]

New Years Poem

T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!

 

[melody]

Marriage Counselor

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to
be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to
leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First,
whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near
anyone. It's very embarrassing. "

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top!
Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy.
She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the
problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are
driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public ...
looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the
few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey
everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do
anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He
told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any
criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your
lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded
me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?" asks the counselor

"With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

 

[melody]

Ten Indications Of A New Year Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
==========

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host: "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued: "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

 

[melody]

Measure Your DillyWacker

Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the .)

3. Place a copy of the June, 2008 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.

=====

Mary had a little skirt

Split right up the sides

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs

She also had another skirt

Split right up the front

But she never wore that skirt

Because you could see her cunt

 

[melody]

Late Night News

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

=====

What do outhouses and candy have in common?
If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.

Why is a convict before sentencing like a new bride?
They both know it'll be hard, but they don't know for how long.

Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

=====

An old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight
turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days
like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you
made love to your wife?"

"Hell No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST
time...."

 

[melody]

Shorties


A teenager came to baby-sit a boy. The boy asks her if he could touch her. She said ok. Then he said could I touch your boobs. She said yes. Then he said could I stick my finger in your Belly Button. She said yes. Then she said that was not my belly button and he said that was not my finger.

=====

Five reasons not to be a penis:

1) Your head is bald forever.

2) You live between two nuts.

3) An asshole lives behind you.

4) Your best mate’s a cunt.

5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

=====

An ingenious botanist named Pace,
Grew cunts in pots at his place.
When they ripened, he'd pluck 'em
And eat them or fuck them--
They were simpler to grow than to chase.

 

[melody]

The Postman

There once was a postman who had delivered the mail to the same neighborhood and the
same route for over 35 years.
This was to be his last day before he retired.
He neared the last house on the route, which happened
to be the home of Judy, a 35 year old married woman named Judy with a somewhat questionable reputation.

As he walked up the steps to the front door, Judy greeted him in a very
sexy and thin red teddy with lace.
"Is this your last day, postman?" She asked in a low and sultry voice.
He could barely nod his reply. "Y-yes, I am retiring today."
He managed to stammer. "Well, come in for a minute won't you?" And how could he refuse?
They spent hours in heated sex.
After wards, Judy fixed him a breakfast of steak and eggs, hash browns, the works.
And then as the postman was dressing and getting ready to
leave, Judy handed him a farewell card, in which he found 5 dollars.
At this point, the postman gave her a somewhat puzzled look and said,
"I don't get it, Judy, first you fuck my brains out, then you cook me a breakfast
fit for a king, and then you only give me 5 dollars??? What's up with that?"
"Well."said Judy. "Last night I told my husband you were retiring, And I asked him
what we should do.
He said 'Fuck him, give him 5 dollars.' The breakfast was my idea."

 

[melody]

Playing Up A Tree

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.

The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.

The girl was so happy that she ran home and told her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor!

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Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
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You've heard the VISA slogan, "it's everywhere you want to be."
I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up their cunts.
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Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
A: To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

 

[melody]

Perhaps

One day the teacher says, "OK, class, we are going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'PERHAPS' in it."
David says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework!" The teacher says, "Very good David."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark.....perhaps it is going to rain!" The teacher says, "Very good Mary."
She then asks dirty Johnny at the back of the classroom if he has any sentences.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were going to shit on the piano!"

=====

Little Johnny was in the maths class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!"
~~
What did the teacher do for the girl who was having trouble with sex education?
He kept her in class and pounded it into her!

 

[melody]

A Need For Viagra

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminantly, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does.

He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions.

He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.

"Sir", The Doctor Says.." There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

=====

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first."