JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Women vs. Men
The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him!
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Laugh myself to sleep......

 

[melody]

Wedding Night

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

=====

There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

=====

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something
terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas,
bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples
come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit."

=====

Q: How do you tell if a chic too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

 

[melody]

Blondies
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'Â The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'Â The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 

[melody]

A Tax Inspector And A Rabbi...

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi...

"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

=====

One morning, while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."

The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, and your bother!"

 

[melody]

Buckwheat And Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb
and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

=====

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

 

[melody]

Application For Redneck Driver's License

Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E

Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready!

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?

 

[melody]

Crotchless Panties


A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

=====

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"

=====

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

 

[melody]

Tale Of Freddy Law

This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy

She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."

They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bullock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?

But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

Two drunks were driving down the road. The first drunk looked
over to the other drunk and says, "I think we are getting closer
to downtown."

The second drunk says, "How can you tell?"

The first drunk says "We're hitting more and more people."

=====

WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

What's the definition of irreconcilable differences?
When she's melting down her wedding ring to cast it into a bullet.

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ALASKAN LESBIAN?
A KLONDIKE!:
=====

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a
T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh shit!" the blonde says,
"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
=====
What's the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and she leaves!

What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin.
=====

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husbands clothes, she accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "So sorry.... excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

 

[melody]

Stuck In An Elevator

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

=====

A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

=====
A husband wakes up with a hangover, can't remember a thing, asking his wife:
- Dear, what happened last night?
- Oh, honey, you made an ass out of yourself in front of your boss and he got you fired...
- Well, screw the boss!
- Honey, I already did - you can go back to work on Monday!

=====

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A. Hold on to your nuts this is no ordinary blowjob!

Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Blondes don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in Jacuzzis

 

[melody]

A Dentist And His Patient

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't", she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, 'there's a building here in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't even crack a smile.
Oh, well. At least I tried", he thought.
But about five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she suddenly burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked her.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

=====

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.

 

[melody]

Crappy Jokes

Two guys are swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentions that during the war he was captured.
"I was held for weeks and given almost nothing to eat. I had to learn to eat my own shit."
"I don't believe you!"
The vet reaches into his pants, shits in his hand and eats it.
Gagging, the other guy says: "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
So the next day the guy sets up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers.
He puts a plate of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down, gags, and projectile pukes all over the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both men, take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??"
"There was a hair in it!"

=====

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a
big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"

=====

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

 

[melody]

Speech Impediment

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a
friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech
impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male
or female horse.
- "A female horth", the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
- "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
- "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.
- "Ok, what about the eerth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget
one more time and shows him the ears.
- "OK, finally, can I see her twat?"
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head
up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head,
the midget says,

"Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

=====

A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure
enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a
redhead. She
becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to
shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up
to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She
replies "Shut up, you're next."

 

[melody]

Wintry Weather

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped
to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The darn snow plow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got
undressed, use the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest
of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the idiot is
lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
gun who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
rear and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the darned snow plow.

December 25

Merry Bah-humbug Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn stuff
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
Ohh, I hate the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for
a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her
into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to - 30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above - 20. Still snowed in. That WITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[melody]

Bobby And Carrie

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in "Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby,
so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father,
"Carrie really likes to screw, she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

[melody]

Girls You Might See in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

 

[melody]

Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

=====

A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?"
The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately.
But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."

=====

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

=====

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

 

[melody]

GREEK STYLE

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

 

[melody]

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

=====

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

=====

Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!

=====

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

Did you hear about the new soda that's made with Viagra?
It's called MOUNT & DO.

Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops.
Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.