JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

My Dear Wife/Husband
The husband decides to change his agenda a little to put some spice into his love life, so he writes to his wife:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your age, 54 year old body, can no longer supply, I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the comfort Inn Hotel' Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for being honest. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18, therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow
=====
Promised It Would Be Memorable
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

 

[melody]

Husband's Best Friend

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

=====

Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.

Yo mama's pussy is so stank, you can't eat it without a lifeguard on duty.

Yo mama sucks so much dick, she sells her spit to the sperm bank.

 

[melody]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:


1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

=====

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, When you're first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.

Well, how about you and grandma now? The younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now. What's oral sex? The young bridegroom asked.

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO.

 

[melody]

The New Hooker

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

===

A man is having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them,
"I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to
piss in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty
dishes..."

 

[melody]

The Bishop Limerick

There were two young ladies of Birmingham
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop while he was confirming 'em.

But the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a large public school.
He dropped down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't bother those two.
They said, as the Bishop withdrew:
"Oh the Vicar is quicker,
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."

=====

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

 

[melody]

Ten Thoughts To Ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the
slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed
them for a day; teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not
really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from
the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase
cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT -

We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't a clue as to where thousands
of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of homeland security

=====

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.

 

[melody]

Deaf Dog

Frank's neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.

The pharmacist said... 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer. The pharmacist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

=====

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

On their way past their parent's bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.

The oldest boy looked into the keyhole. He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!"

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!"
=====

Mommy, Mommy! My bottoms sore!
Shut up son we need the money.

Mommy, Mommy, I don't like the milk!
Shut up son and keep on sucking my nipple.

 

[melody]

Mental State

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

=====

For the ladies out there......
Next time a man hits on you, just ask him if he wants to get laid.
If (?!) he says yes, just tell him to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

=====

Little Johnny is standing on a corner yanking off.
A cop comes along and says, "What are you doing, little boy?"
"Fuckin' nothing," replied Little Johnny.

 

[melody]

Annual Office Christmas Party

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events
of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where
his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what
happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You
made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire
board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," Dave said. "I could piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, f**k him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday ...."

=====

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside.

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet.

The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.

When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms.

He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex.

He asks what kind she would like anyway as he doesn't want to lose his job.

She reply's "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel."

 

[melody]

Closed For The Night

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is
a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he
drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up,
hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my
friends might walk in!"

=====

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he butt fucks her.

What do women and prawns have in common?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

 

[melody]

On Sale


A woman walks up to her husband and says "Honey, give me $100.00. I found a beautiful dress I want, and it's on sale!"

The husband, without taking his eyes off the TV, says "I'm not gonna give you $100.00. You have plenty of dresses."

The wife says "We both work and it's not just your money. It's our money. Give me $100.00."

The husband turns off the T.V., stands, and takes off his pants.

"Put these on!" he says.

The wife looks at his huge britches, and says, "I can't wear your pants, and they’re too big."

The man, with a satisfied smile, says "That's right...'cause I wear the pants in the family."

The wife takes off her pants and says, "Put these on!!!"

The husband says, "I can't get into your pants!"

The wife, with a satisfied smile, says "That's right.... you can't.... and you won't.... until I have that $100.00!!!"

=====

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring' em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife asks "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

 

[melody]

Hooked On Ebonics!

AFRO: I got so mad at my hoe, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH: I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to da field and smoke.

AXE: I done AXE you once now don't make me AXE you a'gin.

BEWARE: I asked da man at da unemployment office, "Do dis BEWARE I apply fa ah job?"

CATACOMB: Don King hair look stupid. Somebody ought'a give dat CATACOMB.

COATROOM: Da judge said, "One more outburst like dat, an you be thrown out da COATROOM.

CONTAGIOUS: It's gonna take dat contagious to wash all dem dishes.

COPULATE: I called 911 and an hour later when dey show up, I said COPULATE.

DECIDE: I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have Lakisha on DECIDE.

DIMENSION: I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION, I's hung like a horse too.

DEFEAT: Defeat of depig sho' be good pickled.

DEFENSE: De Sheriff woulda catched me but I jumped defense.

DEMAND: If you don't quit sellin' dem drugs DEMAND gonna get you.

DERANGE: DERANGE be where da deer and antelope play.

DATA: At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy."

DETAIL: Dat rat almost got away but ol' Blue catched him by DETAIL.

DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT day gonna send me back to da big house.

DISMAY: I went fo a blood test, da doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

DOMINEERING: My hoe's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

FASCINATE: Dis hoe's titty's be so big, her shirt got ten buttons, but she can only FASCINATE.

FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony dis month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE .

FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much for some? And she say FORTIFY.

HONOR: At da rape trial, de judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?

HOTEL: I gave dis ho da clap and da HOTEL everybody.

INCOME: I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

INDISCREET: I bought deez drugs here in de screet.

ISRAEL: I said, "Man dat Rolex look fake." He said, "No ISRAEL."

KENYA: I needed change fo da subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare a dime?

LOCKET: I slam da door so hard, I LOCKET.

MOBILE: I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE.

ODYSSEY: I tellin' you Bro! You ODYSSEY da jugs on dis hoe!

OMELETTE: Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

PENIS: I went to da clinic and 'day handed me a cup and said PENIS.

PLANET: I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in da backyard.

RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

SELDOM: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

STAIN: My muda in law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

STAIRWAY: When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no TRIPOLI.

UNDERMINE: Dare be a fine lookin' hoe livin' in da apartment UNDERMINE.

Ebonic Medical Dictionary

BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED
RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST
NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK

 

[melody]

Prisoners In Rehab.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"

Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.

He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.

Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!!

How LOW can you get!"

"Well...I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

=====

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

Q: What happens when a whore house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

Q: What is the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?
A: White begins "Once upon a time......."
Black begins "Y'all mo'fuccckers a'int gonna believe this shittt......"

 

[melody]

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one-day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

=====

This guy is eating this prostitutes cunt and he says, "this
tastes like rice pudding?"
"That's what all the boys say, but it's really maggots."

=====

One day Jack went home after a night of drinking and after stumbling through the door his wife shouted, "What the fuck do you think you are doing coming home half drunk?"
"I'm shorry dahling," slurred Jack, "I ran out uv money, burp!"

 

[melody]

Bottle Of Champagne

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the
back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass
and again tips it down her skirt back.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your
skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
only asshole I'm sharing it with."

=====

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: Why did god give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Why do gay men have mustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.

Q: What do you call a guy with a one inch dick?
A: Justin.

Q: Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
A: They can't decide whether to do him regular or crispy.

Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was
gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies
down to get knocked up.

=====

The bar was getting ready to close, so Jim asked
the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little
'oral' activity?"

"That all depends," she quickly responded. Your face,
or mine?"

 

[melody]

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven
dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good
Nights," she went upstairs.


Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each
others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was
Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see
in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was
doing.


After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's
taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
etc.


Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by
the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.


Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and
the echo chorus went down the line.


Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the
dwarf tower.


Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone
coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the
next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me
too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

 

[melody]

Cool One Liners

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
(pause) He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!

What do you call a ninety-year- old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

 

[melody]

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY!


TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

 

[melody]

Code Of Ethics

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out
"Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of
ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor,
please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I
simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with
her doctor;

"Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In
fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

=====

10 Things you never hear a redneck say

1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
2. You can't feed that to the dog.
3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead
of biscuits and gravy.
4. Trim the fat off that steak.
5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at
Tiffany's.
6. Honey, did you mail that donation to
Greenpeace?
7. Duct tape won't fix that.
8. I just couldn't find a thing at
Wal-Mart today.
9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

 

[melody]

Ways To Piss Off A Woman!

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her
ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same."

2) Use her bra as a slingshot.

3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do.
Then go bowling.

4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her
thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got
a fat ass."

7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start
crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom and slam the
door.

8) Read her this list.

9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle
of beer.

10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you are willing to suffer with it
through sex just to please her.

11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want
to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need
to practice on her.

14) If she mentions commitment/marriage, mention anal group sex in the
same tone of voice.

15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry
'em like six-packs.

16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a
crash diet because of a heart condition.

17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

20) Or, ask her Dad out.

21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at
the nearest whorehouse.

23) Scream your own name during sex.

24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to
know what to scream.

25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests,
say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you."

26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then
faint.

27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive
a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.

30) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis/poker,etc.
because you lost your jock strap.