JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Joy Of Having A Dick

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;

It's like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes
and stretches out;
When you expect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.

And during the summer,
Wearing little, sunning on the beach
The slightest sight of shaking boobs
And to cover up you'll have to reach

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
There's no way that they can pee

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.

Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.

It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.

But I think the thing that's marvelous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so to summarize
I'd say with certainty
That every male loves
his little friend.

But girls, no matter what we do,
Please don't fold,
spindle mutilate
And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

 

[melody]

Fuller Brush Man

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming, the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.

At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.

It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment. The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.

At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had made. Wlile the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin' somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"

They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he screamed, "Come on out of there, you kinky curly little bastard!"

With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and said, "hey, there are fo white gentleman's before me."

 

[melody]

The New Culture

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the

South Bonx New York.

Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.

The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....

"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

=====

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skid mark on your forehead."

 

[melody]

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red!

She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door

has a garden full of big red tomatoes.

She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand

naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."

This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next

few days standing nude in her garden.

A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...

"Have your tomatoes turned red?"

"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...

the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."

=====

A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head. Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty. She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?” Still there was no response. By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!” From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…”

 

[melody]

Why Women Get Cranky
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time, which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day, making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. (The latter condition never goes away, either...lots of times, neither does the former.)

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one or (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowing ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early, hot, man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: Menopause. The Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off of anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now, I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.

Women are the weaker sex?

Yeah, right. Bite me.

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No:

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No:

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

 

[melody]

An Accountant, A Lawyer And A Cowboy

An Accountant, a Lawyer and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows ....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

=====

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

=====

Confucius Says....
.. baseball no sport, man with four balls cannot walk.
.. Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
=====
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says "I must tell you
something: We have a case of gonorrhea!"
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel!

 

[melody]

Emergency Room

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

=====

A lassie got married in Leicester.
Her mother kissed her as she blessed her.
Said she, "you're in luck,
He's a bloody good fuck,
For I've screwed him myself down in Chester.

An Blonde enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

 

[melody]

Behind The Bushes

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"

=====

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

=====

A boy askes his father "dad whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" His dad says "let me show you son"..so they sneak into the bedroom where the mom is sleeping....the father lifts up the sheets and points between the moms legs and whispers "thats a pussy son" and the boy says "oh yuck!" then the father whispers "Shhhhh! you'll wake up the cunt!" lol!!!

=====

There was a young man from Marsailles,
Who lived on clap-juice and snails,
When he couldn't afford these,
He lived on the cheese,
He scraped from his cock with his nails.

=====

Two gay guys and a straight were sitting in a hot tub when all the sudden a blob of cum floats to the top..the straight guy looks at the queers and asks "okay, which of you two farted?"

 

[melody]

If Men Wrote The Dear Abby Column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

 

[melody]

A Day At The Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day
at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress,
sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his
usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback
gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on
with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free
hand. He was obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement,
thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor
fellow some more by puckering her lips
and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and the gorilla got even more
excited, making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested
that she let one of her straps fall to show
a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to
tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan
your dress at him," he said. This drove
the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he
started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped
open the door to the cage, flung her in with
the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

=====

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

=====

LOST DOG, 3 LEGS, BLIND IN LEFT EYE, MISSING RIGHT EAR, TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED,
ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"

 

[melody]

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX

(FOR THE GIRLS)

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

 

[melody]

Letter Of The Alphabet

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going
to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word
that
begins with that letter." She begins with the letter "A" and all the
kids raise
their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real
eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always
vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to
answer. Mary stands and says,"A...Apple" The teacher replies,"That's
great, Mary, good job." So she moves on to the letter "B", and again
Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure
that
he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on
Todd.
Todd says,"B...Baseball." And the teacher replies,"Good Job, Todd."
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention
dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no
one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call
on
him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R...Rat" Johnny
replies. "Rat, ...that's it...rat?" the teacher questions with
astonishment. "Yeah," says Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a
dick 12 inches long."
=====
There was a young fellow from Kent
Who had his wife screw the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.

 

[melody]

What Kind Of Man Are You?
(one of my favorites)

What kind of man are you? Take this test and find out:

1. A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is
obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sports night.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day
of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Ask her who the father is.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Pat...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to m$300. Do you
expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) 7 times a day.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a
carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Determining the results is simple. Whichever letter you have the most
of, is what type of man you are!

a. An Unreconstructed Male
b. A Right-on Male
c. A Rogue Male or
d. A Delivery Boy of the New Male Order

 

[melody]

Chatting At The Bar


A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decided
to
share his most recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that
he
was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with

the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying

"I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to
Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar

experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast
table and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter"
...
but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!"

=====

A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

=====

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in

the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but
direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

 

[melody]

Bull To Breed

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked Ben.

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip roaring boner and immediately jumped on the cow.

Ben was impressed. That night, he got into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it was nice and wet, rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

=====

A horny young woman named Kate,
Had hoped for a really hot date.
But despite lots of kissing,
His erection was missing;
So next time she'll just masturbate.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what
are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells
Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter
would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same
question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,
those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll
float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's
dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh
God, I'm coming!

=====

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

 

[melody]

A RESIGNATION LETTER

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation
With your fucked up company. I have accepted
A lucrative position with a company where
Being a perverted bastard is not a job
Prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and
The challenges that await me, unlike when I
Worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I
Came in late last night and cleaned out my desk,
Including all the supplies I requested and received
Last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the
Shit I've left undone for the new team, as well
As the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a
Damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement,
But your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me
should
You see me on the street, unless you want your ass
kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been
very
Unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary.
She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk
when
You were away. She told me that you screwed her
every
Time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed
sex
With me but not with a corpse like you. In short,
you are
Not only a fucker but a poor fucker.

Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to
use
You as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,

Bitch-ass mother fuckers.

Yours sincerely,

 

[melody]

Lunchtime


Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.

The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk to her mom.

She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.

"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.

"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.

"Give me a look," said little Johnny.

She lifted her skirt and showed him.

"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding, some bastard's cut off your cock!"

=====

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum". The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building."

=====

A handsome young woman named Hannah,
Did wild, wet things with a banana.
Her legs spread wide
The banana inside
And her audience shouting "Hosanna!"