JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Lumberjack

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman who tells him all about the job, pay and housing for all the lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go to work at once.
But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to this bog tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree," says the foreman, "whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time."
The man thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway. The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so he goes to his room and jacks off.
A week passes and the guy gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him. So finally he figures, 'what the hell,' and sneaks over to the fucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and puts it in the hole. to his surprise, it feels great. Soon enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great session he goes back to bed with a big smile.
The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get better for him.
The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree. The tree gets better and better everyday. He goes at it again and afterwards he can hardly walk.
The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done and he takes off for the fucking tree. He pulls out his dick, grabs hold of his dick and shoves it in. Nothing.
The man is shocked. He tries again, but still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to the foreman. "What's wrong with the fucking tree?" the guy asks. "I've been there three times already and it's been better each time, but today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened. What the hell happened?"
The foreman thought for a second and then said, "oh yeah, didn't they tell you? Today's your day in the tree."

 

[melody]

Splitting Headache

I cuddled up to my wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"

=====

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord...
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son..." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting
in school? - my lad's just the same - forget
about it, it happens to boys that age" said
the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish
it was that" continued the customer, " but it's
far worse than that. The little bastard has got
our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man...
"the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"
=====

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

 

[melody]

"I Own That"

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation And
eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no Hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes. "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I
own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job
of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so am azed,

he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Cent of
$1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
Decides to put off the new car for another year or so,
and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one Glorious and
unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to Show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show
places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

=====

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for
a ride in the blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.
The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage
To ask, "What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."

 

[melody]

Shorties

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."

Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"

Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

=====

A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found lots of red spots on his tool,
Said the doctor a cynic, "Get out of my clinic!",
Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!"

=====

A carpenter living in Crewe,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
Once assisted a whore
With the hinge of her door,
But he made her pay for the screw

=====

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

What's 60 feet long and smells of piss?
The conga at the old folks home!

What's invisible and smells like dog food?
Old people's farts!

 

[melody]

A Public Toilet

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the
bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This
guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.

To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis
into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and
water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his
penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then
he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large
hole into it.

The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.

"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.

"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.

"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
the muscular man asks.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.

"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.

"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

=====

A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father
tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other
way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't
want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her
to turn over and she says

"No, my father said I don't have to do this."

Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted
children."
=====
Two gerbils are walking down the road and they pass this gay bar,
the first gerbil says to the second, "Hey! You wanna get shit faced?"

 

[melody]

In The Park

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."
"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"
"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."
"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.
"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"
"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"
"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"
"Because he fucks pigs!"
=====
Q: What do you call 6.9?
A: A good 69 interrupted by a period....
Q: What do you call a period?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.

 

[melody]

A Problem

A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick," a very agitated voice on the other end said. "My dog has swallowed a condom."

"Is he in distress?" the vet asked."

"You don't understand," the voice said. "My dog has swallowed a condom."

"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal."

"Please come quick," the voice went on undeterred. "The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed."

Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again.

"About the dog that swallowed the condom," said the voice, it was a lot calmer now. "Panic over, we've found another one in the drawer."

=====

A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For this rest of it, honey."

 

[melody]

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.

 

[melody]

David And Simon

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.

"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?" replies David.

Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want.

So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

=====

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

 

[melody]

Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads

Adventurous............Slept with all your mates
40-ish............49
Athletic............No tits
Average looking........Face like an arse
Beautiful............Pathological liar
Contagious smile........Does a lot of pills
Educated............Was screwed to bits at university
Emotionally secure......On medication
Feminist............Fat
Free spirit............Junkie
Friendship first.........Former slut
Fun.................Annoying
Gentle.................Dull
Good listener..........Autistic
New age................Body hair problems
Old fashioned..........No BJs or anal
Open minded............Desperate
Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing
Passionate.............Sloppy drunk
Poet...................Depressive
Professional............Bitch
Romantic...............Frigid
Social.................Crotch like a wizard's sleeve
Voluptuous.............Very fat
Large lady.............Immensely fat
Wants soul mate.........Stalker
Widow..................Murderer

=====

Q. How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A. Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q. How many "Sickest Sites" fans does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit.

 

[melody]

The Front Door

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She instantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
=====
Q)What's warm and soft, when you go to bed, and hard, and stiff in the morning
A)Vomit
Q)Why do women have foreheads?
A)So men have a place to kiss them after a Blowjob

 

[melody]

Parenting FAQ's

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[melody]

The Doorbell

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was that?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'

=====

An old lady, who as still a virgin, is sitting at home, when she gets a tingly feeling down there. She goes to a doctor and tells, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?" The doctor checks her out, and comes back and says, "I got some bad news, I don't know what's wrong with you." She goes to a second doctor and tells him the same thing, "I got a tingly feeling. I am a virgin, so I know it’s not a STD. What could it be?" The doctor checks her out and comes back in and says, "I got some bad news, your cherry is rotten, and you got fruit flies!"

=====

Sign seen above a pool:
Welcome to my ool, notice there is no p in it,
"Lets keep it that way."

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

 

[melody]

Viagra:
Dear Diary

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much
to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding
night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he
actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday,
I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him
that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were
on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's
doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like
a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But,
have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been
so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a
weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take
so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra
down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky
all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with
a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued
to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning
my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's
like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk
and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill
the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to
make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and
our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told
him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope
the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try
stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front
of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and
expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

 

[melody]

Discovered Benefits Of Worshipping And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein injested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

=====

A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra.

When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "do you want some of this, big boy?” Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "hell no, look what it did to your panties!"

 

[melody]

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
* * * *

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
*****

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

* * * *
An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
* * * *
A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[melody]

The Original Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms:

Angry Dragon -- Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles -- A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle -- The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking -- Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw -- A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain -- The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick -- This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy -- You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco -- You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It -- Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie -- You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski -- When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle -- The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face -- When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special -- Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner -- While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog -- When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza -- Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer -- The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing -- Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch -- The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction -- First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight -- The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew -- Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

 

[melody]

Did You Hear About The Blonde That...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
=====

Tim Had Traveled To Peru
In Search Of The Ultimate Screw.
When His Trip Was Complete,
He Zipped Up His Meat
And Said To The Ladies, ''Thank You!''

 

[melody]

Definitions

MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.

MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides.

MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.

MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.

NONDESCRIPT: A television play.

ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.

ORGY: Grope therapy.

PARENTS: Couples who practice the Rhythm Method.

PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.

PIMP: Nookie Bookie.

PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.

PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.

PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.

RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.

RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.

REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.

SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.

SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.

SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.

SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.

SONATA: A song sung by Frank.

SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.

STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.

TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.

TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection.

VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.

VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.

VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.

VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.

VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.

WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.

WET DREAM: A snorgasm.

ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.

CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.

DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.

GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.

INCEST: Relatively boring.

INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.

LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.

MASTURBATION: I-balling.

SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.

 

[Primed]

Great, now I can feel insecure around Italian squash too. :)