JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Three Baseball Fans

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole

=====

There once was a man named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
That used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
Your not wiping as good as you used to!

 

[melody]

****** Dictionary

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

******- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and ****** repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

=====

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

 

[melody]

Top Twenty Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.

6. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

=====

What did the post card say from the blonde?
Having a good time. Where am I?

Did 'ya hear about the blonde who..............
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

 

[melody]

Tor

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

=====

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[melody]

Two Indians And A Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.
"Was that Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read....
NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

 

[melody]

Answering Machine Messages

You really get bored with answering machines....but what if the messages are like the following:

1) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3) Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

4) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

5) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again,(ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.

=====

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out
to her.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard.
After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move.
"Johnny, your turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

 

[melody]

Why Vibrators Are Better Than Men......
(Back by popular demand)

*It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
*Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
*A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
*They don't get tired after the first time.
*You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ...
that you had an orgasm.
*Vibrators never go limp and rubbery,you simply replace
the batteries when it tires.
*Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
*You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
*Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!
*We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
whenever you want without being called a slut.
*Position is your choice, not his.
*You don't have to suck it.
*It always is hard.
*It doesn't leave a mess behind.
*You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
*It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
*It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
*You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
*You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be
interested in it the next morning.
*They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you
are in the mood.
*They never drink too much and embarrass you.
*You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
*Safe sex without a rubber
*Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
*Vibrators are portable so you can do it any time, any where you want!!
*They never ask how they were.
*They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
*You don't have to stroke its ego.
*They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
*It doesn't leave a wet spot.
*It doesn't require "a little lip action"to get hard.
*It has no problem finding the "g spot."
*You know exactly where its been.
*Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
*Vibrators don't get jealous if you have 2 or more.

 

[melody]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH . . .

~Learn to work the toilet seat.... If it's up, put it down.

~If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

~Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck
with her.

~Birthdays, Valentines day, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!

~If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

~Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

~Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

~Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or changing of the tides.
Let it be.

~Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.

~When we're going somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

~You have enough clothes.

~You have too many shoes.

~Crying is blackmail.

~Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

~No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on the calender.

~Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
sometimes.

~Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

~Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

~Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

~A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

~Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

~Check your oil.

~It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

~Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

~If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

~Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

~You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do
something but not both.

~Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

~ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

~If it itches, it will be scratched.

~Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

~If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle.

~What the heck is a doily?

 

[melody]

Cool Miscellaneous
Some popular camps

9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Austin Powers'------- Camp Shagyourbaby
6. Britney Spears'----- Camp Singoffkeekee
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killawifey
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Stealababy
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneres'---- Camp Lickacoochie
And the #1 camp to go to..
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee
=====
The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem
every time I sneeze , I have a incredible orgasm."
Her friend asks "What are you doing about it?"
"Sniffing pepper
=====
Q. What's the difference between a mind and an ass?
A. A woman will always give you a piece of her mind.
Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before
creating your masterpiece.
Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Donuts.
=====
2 OLD MEN ARE HANGING OUT AT THE NURSING HOME. THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW AGING IS GETTING TO THEM. THE FIRST OLD MAN SAID TO HIS FRIEND...

MAN, IM SHAKING SO BAD TODAY I COULDNT EVEN EAT MY SOUP WITHOUT SPILLING IT ALL OVER ME.

THE SECOND OLD MAN SAYS

WOW YOU THINK YOU GOT THE SHAKES BAD? WHEN I WAS TAKING A PISS I CAME 3 TIMES!

 

[melody]

Young Tim

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

=====

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

=====

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

 

[melody]

Confessional


Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

=====

Q: How can a woman make a man eat shit?
A1: Wipe forward.
A2: Marry him.
Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got a
greasy box to stick your bone in.

 

[melody]

What Are Cats?
What, exactly, are cats?

• Cats do what they want, when they want.

• They never listen.

• They are not predictable.

• They whine when they are not happy.

• When you want to play, they want to be left alone.

• When you want to be alone, they want to play.

• They expect you to cater to their every whim.

• They are moody

• They leave their hair everywhere.

• They drive you nuts.

Cats are small women in fur coats.
=====

A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank, he points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her, the woman confused asked what? The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you, so she does. Just then he takes off his mask and says "see honey its not so bad."

---------- Post added at 04:04 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:10 AM ----------

Chinese Torture


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man."Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[melody]

HEAD HOG

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head
hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head
hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the
building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig
just walked in!"

=====

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.

Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.

Friend: How so ?

Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...

 

[melody]

Terms for Female Masturbation
Back by Popular Request:


5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

 

[melody]

PLEASE HIRE ME

Do you know of anyone hiring? Rosalie is in search of a job, can ya help a
sista out or give her suggestions on her resume.

Thanks
_____________________________________________________ PLEAS

Resume of: Rosalie Anastasia Shanekia "Pookie" Eucalyptus Jones

ADDRESS: 2036 South Side Skreet, Compton, CA 11122

PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th

OBJECTIVE: To one day fulfill my dream of being a Soul Train dancer and you
know just gitting my life togetha and stuff.

I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist you know what I mean
(Beauty Speciacalist) there is in my hood.

SKILLS: I do hurh (hair) and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and
weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture
or color: synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown, dark brown,
dark black, gold blonde, dark gold blonde, red, maroon, blue and rainbo
colors.

EDUCATION:
***THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, INC. BIG MAMA'S
***HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N' STUFF (graduated with honors
for the most extensions done in a year's time).

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall & Bait N' Tackle Shop
(January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998) Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept
hitting on me.

My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair (Nov. 2,
1998 - Nov. 10, 1998) Reason for Leaving: They tried to work a sistuh to
death and I got thangs ta do!

The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium (Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1,
1998) I loveded this job cause they gaveded me a free tooth every month and
now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cause I let
one of my homeboys sniff that laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do
drugs no mo.

Kim Fung Toi's House of Rice & Skrimp & Stuff (you don't even wanna know).

Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube (Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7,
1998) Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury when I slipped on
an overflow over activator).

The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely accommodations;
yes, I worked there and was a patient too) Reason for Leaving: Center
closed down cause Tina Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit
concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside hurself
since she a big star.
He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.

References: Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)
Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's sister's brother-in-law
half-brother)

The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin Ineedadrank O'Grady (Pastor of The Greater
Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy
Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified
Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc. (a not-for-profit agency).

Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none
of yo' business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at
something nother."

Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central

 

[melody]

Daddy And Daughter

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old
Daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
Tiny fingers in My mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending To eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was
Standing on the bed
Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

=====

A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco,
Crisssssssco! "

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Maam, the Crisco is in
Aisle 3."

The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm
Calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"

The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in
Public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass.."

 

[melody]

In The Desert

Two Mexicans were crossing the Sonora desert during August in an old
Ford Model "A" in which the windows were stuck in the up position.
They drove for about 20 miles and the one driving smells a foul
odor. He says, "Hey Pedro, did you shit?" Pedro answered, "no
Pancho, I didn't shit." So Pancho drives another 10 miles and the smell
is getting worse by the minute.
He says "Pedro, are you sure you didn't shit?" Pedro says,
"No Pancho, I told you I didn't shit." Pancho drives
for just a few more miles and finally stops the car, gets out and goes
around and opens Pedro's door and tells him to get out of the car.
"Drop your pants!" Pedro drops his pants. Pancho says, "Goddamn it you
said that you didn't shit!"
Pedro answers "Oh, I thought you meant today."

=====

A woman is watching her husband coming out of the
shower and says to him, 'You have dick-do
disease.' He says, 'What's that?' She says,
"Your belly sticks out more than your dick do!"

 

[melody]

In The Alleyway

Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

=====

Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts!
Well push them aside and eat your vegetables.

Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair.

Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone?
Grandma Dear, now get in the coffin.

 

[melody]

Vibrators Are Better

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv. Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

Vibrators are better then men because they don't get tired after the first time

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.

Safe sex without a rubber

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!
(while you keep coming and coming!)

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It can be stashed away in a drawer.

It doesn't have a mother!!

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

You know exactly where it's been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

They never come before you do.

 

[melody]

Bubba

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down
and hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba
comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the
toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how
did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the
bedpost three times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and
could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed
that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three
times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his
wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,
"Is that you, Bubba?"

=====

A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the stoop, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!"
The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose."
"Sure He did," said the boy.
"And what would those be, my son?"
"Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!"

=====

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.