JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Women Playing Golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."
=====
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.

"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

[melody]

Mental Hospital

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field
assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls
everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get
out of here I going to be a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs
everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I going to
be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he
looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room
was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis.

The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you
going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm
fucking nuts!"

=====

Here I sit in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

=====

When does a Man tell you he loves you?
When it's time for Sex, Poker night and Monday night Football.

=====

One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "mommy, am I really
a polar bear?"
"Why, certainly you are, dear," she says.
"You live on the North Pole, swim under the ice to catch fish, play on
ice floes, and romp through the snow to catch seals. Of course you're a
polar bear. Why do you ask?"
"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fucking freezing!"

 

[melody]

Hemorrhoids

Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay guy goes to his doctor.
The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to
use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong.
So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through
his legs into the mirror to line up the target.
All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "It's only me."

=====

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

=====

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head "no."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

 

[melody]

Blonde Waitress

How come you're late? asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked
into the bar.

It was awful, she explained. I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in
the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and
there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

What did you do? asked the bartender.

I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!&

=====

Procrastination is like masturbation.
You're only fucking yourself.

What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating pussy and it taste like shit.

What does a woman's asshole do during orgasm?
He's usually on the couch in the living room watching TV.

 

[melody]

Aging...

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst
age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to
pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

=====

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba
gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the
guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down 25 feet
more, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set,
and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written,
and wrote, ..."I'm drowning, you fucking moron...!"

 

[melody]

Head Hog

One day a man called the church office. He said, Can I speak to the
head hog at the trough?

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, I'm sorry,
who?

The caller repeated, Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?

She said, Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the
'head hog at the trough'!

To this the man replied, Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to
the building fund....

To this the secretary quickly responded, Hang on, I think the big fat
pig just walked in!

=====

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

 

[melody]

The Baby's Name

A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"
=====

A passionate maiden from China,
Would gently caress her vagina.
She fondly would linger
With each little finger,
As though nothing in China was finer.
=====

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

 

[melody]

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLD ...

You get winded playing cards.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You look forward to dull evenings

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you questions.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

=====

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

 

[melody]

Furniture Store

A woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress.
As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had
considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.

"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was
helping her.

"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price
on that one, your gonna shit!"

=====

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without
me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

=====

Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered, "Kiss me goodnight."
So Bob kissed her on the navel.
"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.
"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first
...your eyes or your legs."

 

[melody]

Duck Hunting

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting
in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early."
He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up
the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries
to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that
he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up.
He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he
is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and
get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back
in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about
30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now what's it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."

=====

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo
and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!

 

[melody]

Making Cake

A little boy and his mother were driving down the
road one day and the little boy saw 2 dogs "doing
it." He asked his mom what they were doing. She
answered, "They're making cake." Later on he
saw 2 cows "doing it" and he asked his mom
what they were doing. Again she answered,
"They're making cake." Later that night the little
boy saw his mom and dad "doing it" and the next
morning he said to his mom, "Mommy, last night I
saw you and daddy making cake and I licked the
icing off the bed."

=====

There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.

=====

A dyke and a queer named Groom
Were planning their honeymoon
Groom said "My dear
It's not very clear
Who should do what to whom".

 

[melody]

Heart-To-Heart

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

=====

Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get
'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit him over
the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called
Wanda'.

=====

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with whom, and to whom.

 

[melody]

1st Date


A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

 

[melody]

Mmmmm...mmmmmmm

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

=====

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

 

[melody]

Bed Wetting

A 20 year old woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting
problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her
to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit
shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front
of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more
shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had
better do what the Doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs
and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin
right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very
positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get
dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main
cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much
liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

=====

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to
give me s*x. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You
should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do
what you say and feel great. I be work soon. You got nice house.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny and Suzie play on the swing set every day after school. One day, little Johnny goes home after school and asks his father, "What’s this thing between my legs, daddy?" His father replies, "That's your truck, son. You want to park that in a girl's garage"

The very same day, Suzie goes home and asks her mother, "Mommy, what's this between my legs?" Her mother smiles and replies, "That is your garage, honey. You NEVER want to let a boy park his truck in there."

Both of the kids go to school the next day, and like always, they play on the swing set afterwards. Suzie goes home after a while, and her mother is shocked to see blood all over Suzie's face and clothes.

"Suzie, What happened??" She cried. "Oh nothing, mom. Little Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage, so I bit off his back two tires!!"


Little Johnny goes to school on day and his Dad tells the teacher Johnny has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money. The teacher said, "I can handle it." Well later that day Johnny’s Dad gets a call from Johnny’s teacher. "I think I've cured Johnny’s betting problem, said the teacher. "How?" Asked Johnny’s Dad. "Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my ass and, I took him to the teachers lounged and showed him there wasn’t one there; and took the ten bucks." "Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers ass before the day was through."


Little Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “What’s that?” She says, “Well, it's beaver,Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out.”

 

[melody]

And The Bad News IS?

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for George W.Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

 

[melody]

Sex Shop

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

=====

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered!

The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!

She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!"

The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

=====

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge --
Just the same as she acted in life."

 

[melody]

Garden Of Eden

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.

"She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

=====

A man is celebrating his daughter’s 18TH birthday. And is pondering

“I'm so glad this is my last damn child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those ...damn payments!”

So he calls his girl to come over to his house and says,

“Baby, I want you to do me a favor. Take this last check to over to your mom, and tell her this is the last damn check she's going to get from me.” Later I want you to tell me the expression on her face. The girl takes the check home and the following day comes back to her Dad’s house. He is anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like, so he asked, " now what did she have to say?" His daughter says, she told me to tell you THAT YOUR AIN'T MY DADDY!

=====

A methodical fellow named Wade,
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke,
Every thrust, every stroke,
And precisely how much he'd been paid.

 

[melody]

Repairs

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's
been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't
think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he
says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides
to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either
give him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?

=====

A man six foot four with a head no larger than a grapefruit goes into this bar. He sits down and orders a drink. After serving him the bartender cannot take his eyes off this guy’s head. He finally goes over and asks him why his head is so small. The man explains, that one time while walking on the beach he found this bottle and rubbed it and a beautiful Genie popped out of the bottle and offered to grant him one wish. He said he wished to have intercourse with her. She replied that Genies were not allowed to do that. He then asked her if he could have a little head.